Grief is one of those experiences we think we understand until it happens to us.
And then we discover that it doesn’t necessarily behave the way we expected.
You might feel devastated. You might feel angry, numb, frightened, relieved or completely lost. You might laugh at something and then feel guilty for laughing. You may have days when you feel almost like yourself again, followed by a day when something seemingly insignificant knocks you sideways.
There isn’t a correct way to grieve.
Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timetable
You may have heard about the “stages of grief” — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These ideas have become widely known, but grief isn’t a checklist and you don’t have to progress through a series of stages before you’ve somehow completed it.
Real grief can be far messier.
Feelings can come and go. Several can exist at the same time. Something you thought you had dealt with can suddenly feel very present again months or even years later.
Anniversaries, birthdays, music, smells, places or an ordinary Tuesday afternoon can bring something back unexpectedly.
That doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards.
It means something mattered.
We Grieve More Than Death
Bereavement is one of the most profound forms of grief, but it isn’t the only one.
We can grieve the end of a relationship, changes to our health, the loss of a career or role, a friendship ending, retirement, redundancy or moving away from somewhere that felt like home.
We can grieve changes within our families — including children growing up and leaving home — even when those changes are positive and something we wanted for them.
Sometimes we grieve something we never actually had.
A relationship we hoped would be different. A future we imagined. An opportunity that disappeared. The family we expected to have. The version of ourselves we thought we would become.
Those losses can be difficult to explain to other people because there may be nothing obvious for them to see.
But that doesn’t make the loss insignificant.
When Everybody Else Seems to Have Moved On
One of the loneliest parts of grief can come after the initial support begins to disappear.
Other people’s lives continue.
Yours does too, technically.
You go to work. Answer messages. Make dinner. Put the bins out. Do all the ordinary things life still expects from you.
And yet something fundamental may have changed.
People may stop asking how you are. You might worry that you’ve talked about it too much or feel pressure to be “getting better”.
Therapy gives you somewhere you don’t have to worry about that.
You don’t have to protect me from your grief or make it more comfortable for somebody else.
How Therapy With Gail Can Help
I won’t try to talk you out of your grief or look for a positive side before you’re ready — or assume there has to be one at all.
My Person-Centred foundation means that we begin with your experience and what the loss means to you.
Sometimes you may want to talk about the person, relationship or life you’ve lost. Sometimes you may need to talk about anger, guilt, regret or things left unsaid.
At other times, our work might be about understanding who you are now that something important has changed.
And sometimes you may simply need somewhere to say, “I really miss them,” without anybody trying to make that feeling go away.
Living Alongside What Has Changed
Therapy isn’t about forgetting, “moving on” or reaching a point where something no longer matters.
For many people, grief becomes something they gradually learn to carry differently.
There may eventually be room for other parts of life alongside it — relationships, plans, laughter, ordinary days and perhaps new possibilities.
That doesn’t erase what happened or what was lost.
Nor does finding moments of happiness mean that you cared any less.
There is no deadline for any of this.
Therapy With Gail can offer you somewhere to talk honestly about grief, loss and change — without expecting you to follow a timetable, find a silver lining or become somebody else’s version of “better”.